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January 28, 2010

There were these moments today when I really began to experience a shift in perception of myself. This morning, while I was standing in front of my closet, thinking what does a person that goes to yoga class wear? I was really feeling like I was putting on a costume. Then remembering, oh I am that person that goes to yoga class today. Or just being in that room where clearly everyone else knew what was going on and feeling that wave of embarrassment and frustration when I couldn’t do it as well rise inside of me, and then using this idea of a character I am performing as a way to surrender to it and not feel like the instructor correcting me or me not being able to do something was a thing I had to base my self value or emotional state on. In both cases there was this really eerie feeling of having two different constructs of who I was that I had to negotiate, that blurred together, and this was where I began to see how arbitrary it can be.

When I went for a little run after I was feeling so good and happy and I really wondered what if this thing just makes me all around happier what would that mean? Not that I think that will be the case really, it will get to be difficult and annoying too, but just the idea of today, this morning, feeling better than I probably would have normally because I gave up some control of what would happen.

One thing I am really interested in is the different story lines and motivations individuals will bring to this. I am wondering how it will all twist together. What will happen to my real relationships by introducing this fiction element, and this control. How can I share these things I am experiencing more directly and intensely? Right now it feels like testing the waters and playing around, but I wonder what other things will develop over time.

[Setting: bedroom. 6am.]

LAUREN: [She writes down any dreams she had the previous night. If she cannot remember whole dreams, or did not have any, she writes a few words about images or colors. Gets out of bed and decides to try something new this morning to keep things interesting. She drives over to Venice for the 7am Yoga for Athletes class, just to try it out, with no expectations. She also sets her phone alarm for 11am.]

[Setting: grad studio. LAUREN arrives with something tasty she has just baked for everyone. She also shares this with her friend, JOHANNA, who is not in the grad studio, but across the hall.]

[Setting: Wherever LAUREN is, at 11am her alarm goes off. She stops whatever she is doing, and for five minutes she contemplates and observes the beauty that exists all around her, without judgment or analysis.]

[Setting: Franz Hall. 2pm. LAUREN arrives at psych class.]

[Setting: grad studio. 330pm. LAUREN returns from class.]

LAUREN: [Takes out her phone and calls someone she hasn't spoken to in a long time.] Hi, I know it’s been a while, but I just wanted you to know that I think of you and I miss you.

[Setting: wherever. 4pm or near after - LAUREN rings JEFF on the internet, and video conferences in for his Book Club meeting happening in Boston, at least for a little while.]

[Setting: USC, Robert Zemeckis Center for the Digital Arts. 6pm. LAUREN attends a symposium on Global Media and Data Practices. She asks a question during the Q&A.]

CASPER: [to LAUREN] Thanks for the ride! I’m sure the topics presented here will touch on our project.

[LAUREN contemplates volunteer opportunities in the LA area that she might be able to take part in. She emails some of her friends from the program at UCLA asking if others would also possibly like to figure out something to do over the weekend in the community?]

[Setting: darkness, nothing can be seen.]

[Lauren receives a message in her sleep. The corner of her room glows for a moment before darkness is restored.]

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